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Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.
The above is a portion of a work by Rumi, 13th century
poet and mystic. Some time ago I copied and framed it, along with a photo taken of me lying in a bright green field with my dog Sandy. The verse spoke to me about my need to move past a place of judgement - to move to that place
where the world is too full to talk about. I suspect that for many people the chance to connect with nature is an opportunity to be embraced and supported by something larger than ourselves, larger than our ideas of right and wrong.
Have you ever had the experience of being offended by a statement made by a friend or acquaintance? You may find yourself being angered or puzzled. Later you may go over the offending remark and dream about how you should have responded (usually with a clever repartee!)
When we feel our emotions rising in response to something said or done, how can we move past a place of judgement? Someone once told me that the best way to keep from judging others is to become curious about them. In that way, instead of jumping to conclusions about what that person's statements or outlooks are about, we delve deeper into their meaning. Here are some sample questions you might try asking the next time someone pushes your buttons:
Can you tell me more about that?
Would you mind giving me an example of that?
What do you mean?
I'd like to hear more about what that means to you.
So what you're saying is ... (send back the message as you understand it) ... Am I getting that right?
While it is important to explore what others think and feel, it is not essential that we respond to blatantly cruel or demeaning remarks with a request for elaboration.
Tell me - what are some of the techniques you have used successfully to engage in conversation, or to stop a conversation?
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Comments
If i am needing to stay close
If i am needing to stay close to home, with the reactivity that is activated, sometimes i will ask, "it seems i am stirred at a core place, are you willing to listen while i state what my experience is?", or if its not possible, "i am not able to tend to this right now, can we talk later? Say, (suggest day and time)?
Or if i am really bowled over, "wow, that is potent. I need to spend some time with what comes up! Thanks so much!
Thanks for this invitation, Caron!
These are great suggestions
These are great suggestions for ways to communicate at a deeper level. Thanks Sunny.